GG. part II

Yes, I’ve seen him after what happened and, surprisingly, I did not feel anything. Perhaps because I was with G. already or perhaps because we desperately needed to make love just one time in order to know how it was.

Something strange happened last year, though. We had to meet due to the death of a former classmate (E). The circumstances were particularly difficult as we met at E’s house with his parents. Of course we were all very moved and sad but I didn’t fail to notice two things:

1) We haven’t seen each other (and haven’t heard from each other) for more than 13 years. He called me 3 times that day for stupid things like a) Hi, it’s me. I’m waiting for you all at …. Where are you? b) I’m still here.. where the hell are you? c) hi, are you going home? Ok… just asking…well, bye then. That day, speaking to a friend of mine, he said that he was surprised because I haven’t changed over the years while he has changed (which, by the way, it’s not true).

2) After that day, we planned a dinner all together. I wrote him several emails (I was in charge of the overall organization) and he never got back to me. A friend (who knows the GG’s story) offered to write him saying that he was probably too embarrassed to come to a dinner with me. She wrote him and GG. replied right away: I am sorry but I can’t. After a few months, another dinner … same thing: the answer is no via common friends, he never replies directly to me.

He doesn’t want to see me again. He doesn’t want to be in touch with me. 

…

I don’t know what to think about it, to be honest.

Any ideas?!

When I was younger, so much younger than today

I’ve always been super engaged with someone since the age of 15. Ok, I know “engaged” is not the right word as it involves a wedding and I am not married. I’m using this word to emphasize that my love stories have always been very serious and important (BOOORING, isn’t it?!).  At the age of 15 I met a guy 6 years older than me in Mexico. We were there on holiday and fell in love. C. lived in Milan and we dated for … 5 years. I thought he was “the one” but then I met G. at the University and changed my mind. But I’m not concerned with C. or G. here but with another G., GG.

I’ve never shared this on the blog, I think, so let me give you a bit of a background.

Why am I concerned with GG.? Because when I think of my first real love, my mind goes to GG. and not to C. who came first and with whom I shared 5 years of my teenager life.

GG. and I were classmates and best friends. He was tall, slim, nice and very funny.  He was nice but I wouldn’t say beautiful, definitely sexy though. He was a muscle boy who lived in the countryside and loved horse riding. He did have a very serious love story too but had also a crush on me. And I had a bad crush on him. We spent at least 2 years sending “bigliettini” back and forth. Namely, when mobile phones didn’t exist, we used small sheets of paper (bigliettini, in Italian) to communicate during class.

At the beginning the “bigliettini” were nothing important but one day he wrote me something like “I have to admit that I like you so much” and I blushed got quite excited about it. So, it was not just me: he liked me too. From that very moment on  the “bigliettini” took a different turn.

I like your dress

I like your body, your legs etc.

This kind of stuff.

Every single day I dressed up for him BUT I dated someone else.

Every single day he wrote me dirty things but he was engaged with S.

We are 19. We finish 5 years of high school. Let’s throw up a party at GG.’s house. A week before GG. and S. broke up but I am still with C.

Some good music is on and we start dancing. GG. dances with me, hugs me and drags me in a corner. We kiss and touch for a long time and I feel damned good. I don’t feel “guilty” at all, actually, I feel great and one week later we meet again. And then we meet again and make love in my car.

And then?

Nothing happens. The story dies after the love making thing. I liked it, he liked it but we don’t want a “story”, we were just curious about each other and we are aware that we don’t want to spend months, let alone, years together. 

What strikes me about all this is that I can’t recollect the first time I made love (it was with C.) but I remember well the one and only time I made love with GG. I also remember how much I liked him, it was quite a strong feeling.  Have I even seen him again? Yes, but I’ll leave it for another post.

Soundtrack: 

Long post (no editing, sorry about that)

Orlando is sleeping so I guess I can sit down and update the blog now.

So, how's life?

I've really busy + sick (again!) lately. Not very sick though. G. got sick at the end of last week and I caught a bad cold from him. I've never been so sick before. I mean, usually I catch a cold in winter season but not a such a bad cold and not twice! I wonder if this relates to my diet. I ate more meat last year (but never more than 2 times a week) and, for the very first time in 36 years, I had a flu and two cold in a row. When I didn't eat meat at all, I didn't even catch a sore throat, let alone a cold. Perhaps it's a combination of factors: a) a great amount of stress + b) "new" diet  + c) no pilates. It's just too hard for me to fit pilates at the moment. 

Anyway, I'd better recover as soon as possible as I have to deal with many things. My immune system seems to be weak, I have to strengthen it.

On a different note, I had a good time in Brussels despite the cold, the wind and the snow :-( Quite cold indeed but my hotel was close to the venue so it wasn't a big deal. I didn't jump into someone I mentioned elsewhere which was good. Next trip will be in Venice and then in Prague in April.

I don't feel energetic. I do need a holiday but this has become more a mantra rather than something that could actually happen. I do also need to spend more qualitative time with G. but we're both busy and Orlando completely absorbs our free time. He sleeps at granny's house, by the way. For reasons we can't explain, he sleeps more there. He tries to jump on her bed but at least he doesn't bother her before 6:30 a.m. and sometimes he even sleeps until 7:30. So now my mum comes to get him at 11:00 p.m. and we sleep until 7. I can tell you that it makes a big difference. 

Having Orlando is like having a baby. If I don't get pregnant, it's ok. I can't even imagine looking after a puppy AND a baby. However, I'd lie if I told you that I don't think about pregnancy anymore. When I was a teenager I though that I would never be a mother. I don't know why, it was just an intuition that never abandoned me. Until a few years ago, I was ok with it. Now that the biological clock tics loudly, I have changed my mind. I'm not fond of kids, to be honest. Usually, they get on my nerves. On the contrary, I am immensely patient with dogs (and this is G's mantra: "you are much more patient with dogs than with humans, let alone with kids"!). However, I know that something is missing in my life. But there's nothing I can do about it and we're not keen on going through tests etc. so I just have to cope with the fact that we've been trying for a long time but it hasn't worked. Period. I'm not depressed but there's a sadness in my heart that doesn't go away. 

Feeling blue

I don't know what's going on but I don't feel good. Actually, I feel a bit depressed. There must be a reason. I kind of know what it is but this is not enough to justify stomach ache on a daily basis, especially in the morning and a general feeling of sadness. I also feel antisocial which is new to me.  I've been like this for quite a few days now and it's hard to get things done as I would lay on the couch with a hot drink and book, period. Everything else disturbs me except for Orlando and G. I don't feel like seeing friends but I "have to", I don't feel like working but I have to and I must admit that I'm behind schedule. I'll catch up at some point. 

I guess I just need a holiday to get myself together. However, this is NOT an option....

** let me just add that I probably need a change. I would apply for a job in the U.K. but G. is not enthusiastic about it.

A huge amount of work needed

Oh my God!

I've just realized that in order to meet ALL the deadlines a huge amount of work is needed. This means that I shall be working all weekends except for THIS coming weekend as it's our anniversary (we would have liked to go somewhere but the weather forecast is dreadful so we'd rather stay and home and celebrate with big boy).

I don't even know where to start as I definitely don't have time for the amount of work which is due by March. In any case, I won't cut Pilates ;) 

Ok, there's no need to panic. But still... am I going to make it?!

I hate working on Saturday as G. is at home. Perhaps I could work only in the morning while he sleeps. This might be good idea.

Before I go back to work, let me just say something that has nothing to do with work, deadlines etc. 

Conceiving is not as "easy" as we excepted and, believe or not, I am fine with it. I'm not stressed out anymore. That said, I have taken my doctor advice and I am now checking my ovulation & taking folic acid (it helps fertility and prevents spina bifida). I hope this is going to work. If not, I'm not sure we want to undergo fertility tests. Anyway, it's too early now. We need monitor ovulation, try a bit more, then we'll take a decision.  

My doctor told me that "getting pregnant is never easy" and that I shouldn't be stressed. Well, I am not and I trust her. She is 41 and just had a baby so she knows exactly how challenging is conceiving when one is not in her mid twenties anymore. 

Fights

I am a bit nervous this morning. Two days ago I had a fight with my mum and I've just had another one. Sometimes it's hard to cope with her even though I love her so much. She lives 2 minutes from our house. Again, this is good and "bad". Perhaps bad is not the right way to put it. It is both good & challenging, if you can see what I mean. 

She is judgmental and I don't like it. You should do this in this way, G. should do that. This kind of stuff. Perhaps she doesn't realize that we're ... adult! We're not teenagers anymore but the problem is that we now live in the house she lived in for more than 30 years. We understand that she would like to see everything as perfect as it was before we moved in together. It is almost perfect, believe me. We have a housekeeper (bless her) and do our best. Could we do more? Yes. Do we have the right to do less? Yes! This is the point: my parents don't understand that I/we can be different and can decide to live in a slightly different way, can't we? 

Oh well, I need to get some fresh air to calm down I guess. And big boy wants to go out for a walk so... speak to you soon!