Friday, April 27, 2012

My Joy

What is going on

is that we're not happy anymore. We get easily into "fights" because we are all VERY nervous. We are not relaxed at all. Some days are better than others but still, it's just too difficult to enjoy life the way we used to do until he died. I know it may sound exaggerated but we loved so much our big boy: he was like our child. 

It was like having a child to look after as he wanted lots of attention, more than other dogs. Long walks in the morning and hundreds of small things we now miss. A lot.

I feel completely unbalanced. I feel more balanced only when I do pilates and when I walk. Other than these two physical activities, I cannot stand anything and anyone to the point that I even avoid speaking to my closest friends. 

In order to get myself together, next week I'll try this. Perhaps it will be of help? I don't know but I'll give it a try. 

Last week I felt a bit better as I had to catch up with work. But this week is just unbearable. However, I'm aware that he passed away only two 2 weeks ago. I know it takes time.

Eventually, I will manage to keep my sadness locked up. I will manage to keep my anger locked up.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Something has changed in my world

... and it's killing me. 

I'm trying to focus as much as I can on my my job so that I think less about him. It's hard though as, at the end of the day, I feel exhausted. I fall asleep on the couch every single evening because of the great amount of stress. I guess it will take time to get over it (if ever). I'm glad we're surrounded by friends who really care about us and keep calling and/or stopping by to check if we are ok. Of course we're not but feeling them close makes a big difference. 

Today I'm back to my workout routine. I'm trying to get myself together. It's not easy as living without a him (and, in general without a dog) was inconceivable until one week ago. We all miss him a lot and always will. 

Like every trauma, though, I am more aware now of my priorities. For instance, I've become to realize that a dog is more important than having a child to me. I can live without a kid but I can't live without animals. It's quite a radical thought but this is me (and my mum is exactly like me). So, if I get pregnant it's ok if I don't it's ok. However, I don't think I can live without a dog for the rest of my life. I'll give a serious thought in the near future, perhaps after the summer. A dog will come "to us", like Duick. We didn't buy him, someone couldn't take care of him anymore. 

Today we're going to visit M, the vet. He LOVED big boy and did everything he could. It's because of him that we adopted Duick. It'll be hard to see M. but we have to. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

No words

I don't know if I can put my pain into words. I am/we are devastated by the sudden death of my big boy. I don't know how to deal with it. He died in a few days because of a bronchopneumonia. 

The house is empty.
I hate this silence.

I didn't sleep for 3 days in a row. I'm taking an anxiolytic but the calming effect is yet to be seen. I feel as my vital energy has drained out of me. I am not strong anymore. I am not happy, just not the usual me as my love is not with us anymore.

My mum, who is helping us a lot, suggested me to write a book or a short story about my relationship with Duick. It helps, she says. I agree. I'll write it and perhaps I'll publish some excerpts here but I'm afraid it will be in Italian.

I miss him so much.
Il mio amore.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Believe or not: it's snowing here. I can't believe what I'm seeing from my room... SNOW. I'm glad that I only have to walk for 5 minutes to reach the venue of meeting but still ... for one who has a cold and a sore throat this weather is not ideal.

I hope the snow won't affect transports. It must be something with me: two years ago I was stuck in London for a week because of the volcanic ashes, now it's SNOWING in April. 

Monday, April 2, 2012


It's pretty cold here. I'm watching an interesting tv show on Damien Hirst while drinking a glass of white wine. My friends are out at the pub but I've got a cold and don't feel like going out. I'd rather work, first, and then have a good rest. Tomorrow will be a a very busy day from breakfast until late in the evening. The day after will be even worse! Anyway, I'm ready for it... kind of.

I'm reading the forth psychological thriller written by the Swedish author Camilla Lackberg: "The Gallows bird" (how would you translate it into Italian?!). She is pretty good and this one lives up to my expectations.

Should get going to get some work done now.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Hi there,

as mentioned I'll spend a few days in the UK. I'm not super excited to leave as G. is going through high levels of stress and I am a slightly overworked (not to mention that the weather forecast is dreadful). As I'm not going on holiday, I guess I'll be quite exhausted by the end of next week. On a more positive note, I will catch up with colleagues I really get along with and I'm looking forward to see them.

The hotel, which is set in a woodland, looks really good... very British, I would say. As I said, the weather forecast looks very bad though which means that I'm in a bad mood already. It's almost summer here! We are currently experiencing high temperatures and I can't even imaging wearing a coat. How can one possibly live in a place where the weather is, more often than not, bad? I don't understand.

Anyway, it's a beautiful sunny day here and we're going out to celebrate my birthday (I'll turn 36 in a few days). I will enjoy last warm rays of light and try to stay positive in order to deal with rain, wind and low temperature until Thursday. I'll bring my laptop so perhaps I'll update my blog.

Speak to you soon