Monday, March 26, 2012
Mauro Rostagno was a sociologist and a journalist (and an AMAZING man) murdered by the mafia on 26th September 1988. This book, written by her daughter and Andrea Gentile, is beautifully written. If you are interested, see also here.
I tried the so-called death meditation
The Death Meditation is an intense process in which I guide people through their last day on earth, counting down the hours, the minutes. Far beyond some morbid exercise, this is a very keen blade that cuts through the mental chatter and detritus that fill yo our heads - I can't reach for what I want because of this, or that, or whatever. It's hard to discover what you really want if you're full of all this useless poison and these self-mutilating thoughts. The Death Meditation gets you focusing with diamond-sharp clarity on what matters. Because all facades, delusions, rackets, and life-sucking trivia pale when you face your impending death. the Buddha said "If you want to know what your future will be like, then look at your life now".Ana Forrest, Fierce Medicine.
The author "guided" me (well, I followed the description of the process written in the book) through the above mentioned book and it was an interesting inner journey. I don't know if I did the whole process in the right way. I skipped some steps because I didn't have time to do it properly. Or perhaps I didn't want to do it properly. It's a long process and one needs to be completely attuned to whatever arises so if you're tired, stressed out or even angry at someone it's better not to do it.
However, going "there", experiencing your last day on earth is worth it as it's an opportunity to check out with "what you really need to let go and how you need to move ahead". It also helps to bring clarity to life's priorities and to what really matters.
I won't share my death meditation notes here but I think that the core of it is here.
Some people live without checking life priorities for several reasons. I don't blame them, looking at one's life it's harder than just living without inquiring so much. However, if you are willing to learn more about the death meditation I'd recommend Ana Forrest's book. Moreover, if yoga is of interest to you... just read it and let me your thoughts on that.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I'm glad P. doesn't blame me for my decision. It's just too far away so... it's a no. I won't even apply which, to be honest, makes me feel slightly better than last week. At least I don't have to deal with "what if" questions. It was a difficult decision but I am now convinced that it's the right one for me. Otherwise I would feel pretty bad which is not the case at all. I feel exhausted but this is because I've been very busy lately: work + emotional stress have taken a toll on my body. I am back to my weekly workout routine which helps a lot.
I'm planning my trip to the UK where I'll be staying for 4 days (including my birthday!). I know it will be great as I'll catch with many colleagues and friends but it will involve also stress (again). I'll probably take one day off next week (spa?) in order to look less as zombie and more as the "usual me" (? I don't know what that means but it sounds good). When I'm stressed out I feel like Bridget Jones, if I don't take care of myself I'll end up looking like a mess. I definitely need to get myself together BEFORE the trip. So, pilates, pilates and pilates & one day just for me.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tomorrow it's the first day of Spring. It's an important day, a very busy one for me. I'll do my best and will try to enjoy the sun as soon as I will be done with my job (around 4:30 p.m.). I wish I had time to write more but I guess I'll catch up with you all on Thursday.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Luckily, I've been very busy in the last three days so I haven't put much thought into it. I have to decide, though. I have to, sooner or later. It's NOT easy. I want to go but I don't want to go. I'm excited and scared at the same time: it's a f*** tough decision. G. doesn't want to move for many reasons. I do understand him BUT there are OTHER positive aspects he doesn't even take into account. As far as my career is concerned, I don't have any doubts. I should fly right away and stay there for the rest of my life. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Of course my job is very important but what about my family? If I get the job, G. will come with me even he is not eager to move. I'm not concerned for my dad as he's just remarried and can rely on a woman who is 10 years younger than him. He is healthy and strong. My mum is not that healthy and she cannot rely on my uncle who will turn 70 in a few months. Despite she keeps telling me that I should go, I know that this will affect her deeply. Because of her disease she can't stay on a plane for 24h and this means we're going to see each other once a year which is just unthinkable both for me and for her.
I grew up with my mum since I was 12, when my parents divorced. We lived together for a long time and now she lives literally 2 minutes away from our house. I see her every single day and she is the most important person in my life. I can't forget what she did for me, I simply can't. It would be too long (and too personal) to get into details here but, believe me, my mum devoted her life to me. And now that she's sick and she's getting old I go far away. This makes me feel like shit, to be honest.
I don't think it's fair.
The more I think about the more I think that:
1. it's not fair. Now time has come for her to rely on me. I want to be around for her when life gets difficult.
2. Am I able to stay away from her?
I'm not going to share these thoughts with her because, as I mentioned, she keeps telling me (on a daily basis) that I shouldn't miss this opportunity AND, above all, that I shouldn't think about her because "she is strong", which is true. She is one of the strongest women I've ever known, however, I'm also aware of the fact that if I go away her life will change a lot and not for the better.
It doesn't matter what she tells me, I know she needs me exactly the way I need her. I don't care if it's not "healthy": I'm listening to my heart at the moment. My brain says YES and my heart says NO. Who's right? I don't have the right answer, no one has.
G. is able to overcome all his fears and obstacles. I'm sure about it. So the problem is not G. Now that I see things more clearly, my concern is my mum. At least now I know what prevents me to apply. I didn't know it yesterday. I'm procrastinating because of the most important person in my life. Well, it's a good reason, isn't it?
I also have to admit that I don't think it's fair to adopt a dog that I love and then move to another place without him. He will live with my mum and will be absolutely fine but we will miss him to death and probably will feel guilty. It may sound ridiculous and maybe it is, indeed, a ridiculous thought but again, my heart is wide open and I'm speaking through it (brain switched off. One doesn't have to be rational all the time).
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Apparently there's a job opportunity on the other side of the planet. A very good one. I don't know what to do. G. and I will speak about it over the weekend. IF I go for it (still don't know) we might have to move far away for the rest our life. Ok, perhaps it's a bit too early to put it like that. Maybe I apply but won't succeed. However, if I do apply and I succeed I can't say no! I/we have to go (as we say in Italian: i treni passano una volta nella vita!). It's the best opportunity I've ever come across so far.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The weather is dreadful here: wind, rain and cold. Winter, again? I'm not accustomed to it anymore. I desperately long to feel the sun's touch on my skin. I'm not in a "rainy mood" today, despite the gray sky. Perhaps it's because one of my closest friend is going to Zanzibar today. She's promised to send me pictures from the Paradise.
Can't wait to this summer. We don't have plans yet but a few ideas. My original idea was going to the mountain which is a perfect place for big boy. However, I changed my mind almost immediately as we both need/love the seaside. We'll probably do what we did last year: big boy will stay with "granny" and "uncle" C. Not bad at all!
We've been through some changes here. My partner works on Saturdays and his job involves much more responsibility now. He is not good at taking new responsibilities right away. He needs time to adjust and last week was quite challenging for him and, as a consequence, for me. Things are better now, though. Hopefully the good mood will last ;)
Friday, March 2, 2012
I didn't know about yoga festival. They seem pretty active, especially in Milan. I've never tried yoga because, as far as I know, there aren't good yoga studios in my hometown. Moreover, I simply can't add yoga to my weekly training as I don't have time for it. But I have always been attracted to the discipline of yoga and now that my body is stronger, thanks to pilates, I'm willing to give it a try.
I'm planning to attend Ana Forrest's seminar in May (her book is very interesting). I'm also planning to attend other events in the coming months.
The more I practice Pilates the more I acknowledge that I've neglected my body and the connections between my body and my mind for a long time (even though pilates has nothing to do with the mind). When something goes wrong in my life, my body speaks out loud: it's amazing to recognize how the body and the soul are strictly intertwined. Well, it's more amazing NOT to be aware of that deeply connection, to be honest.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I've never celebrated March 8 BUT this year I'll be glad to make an exception. Because of what happened a few months ago, I am now in touch with former classmates. Especially with one, L, who writes me and calls me very often. Despite she is very different from me (or maybe because of that), we get along and care about each other. To be honest, she is quite a blessing to me especially when I am stressed out or busy as she is funny and always ready to plan a girls night out. So this morning I got a call from her:
- Any plans for March 8th?
- Not really
- Great! What about going out with me, M. and the naughty girls?
- What? Who?!
- Well, you'll get to know them. They are quite crazy.
- Ok, where are we going?
- Don't know yet, I'll be in touch. So glad you're coming! Please be ready, they are... quite wild.
I can't picture myself hanging out with crazy ladies on International Women's Day but I'm sure we'll have lot of fun. I definitely need a girls' night out.