Luckily, I've been very busy in the last three days so I haven't put much thought into it. I have to decide, though. I have to, sooner or later. It's NOT easy. I want to go but I don't want to go. I'm excited and scared at the same time: it's a f*** tough decision. G. doesn't want to move for many reasons. I do understand him BUT there are OTHER positive aspects he doesn't even take into account. As far as my career is concerned, I don't have any doubts. I should fly right away and stay there for the rest of my life. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Of course my job is very important but what about my family? If I get the job, G. will come with me even he is not eager to move. I'm not concerned for my dad as he's just remarried and can rely on a woman who is 10 years younger than him. He is healthy and strong. My mum is not that healthy and she cannot rely on my uncle who will turn 70 in a few months. Despite she keeps telling me that I should go, I know that this will affect her deeply. Because of her disease she can't stay on a plane for 24h and this means we're going to see each other once a year which is just unthinkable both for me and for her.
I grew up with my mum since I was 12, when my parents divorced. We lived together for a long time and now she lives literally 2 minutes away from our house. I see her every single day and she is the most important person in my life. I can't forget what she did for me, I simply can't. It would be too long (and too personal) to get into details here but, believe me, my mum devoted her life to me. And now that she's sick and she's getting old I go far away. This makes me feel like shit, to be honest.
I don't think it's fair.
The more I think about the more I think that:
1. it's not fair. Now time has come for her to rely on me. I want to be around for her when life gets difficult.
2. Am I able to stay away from her?
I'm not going to share these thoughts with her because, as I mentioned, she keeps telling me (on a daily basis) that I shouldn't miss this opportunity AND, above all, that I shouldn't think about her because "she is strong", which is true. She is one of the strongest women I've ever known, however, I'm also aware of the fact that if I go away her life will change a lot and not for the better.
It doesn't matter what she tells me, I know she needs me exactly the way I need her. I don't care if it's not "healthy": I'm listening to my heart at the moment. My brain says YES and my heart says NO. Who's right? I don't have the right answer, no one has.
G. is able to overcome all his fears and obstacles. I'm sure about it. So the problem is not G. Now that I see things more clearly, my concern is my mum. At least now I know what prevents me to apply. I didn't know it yesterday. I'm procrastinating because of the most important person in my life. Well, it's a good reason, isn't it?
I also have to admit that I don't think it's fair to adopt a dog that I love and then move to another place without him. He will live with my mum and will be absolutely fine but we will miss him to death and probably will feel guilty. It may sound ridiculous and maybe it is, indeed, a ridiculous thought but again, my heart is wide open and I'm speaking through it (brain switched off. One doesn't have to be rational all the time).
mumble mumble....
