Something has changed in my world

... and it's killing me. 

I'm trying to focus as much as I can on my my job so that I think less about him. It's hard though as, at the end of the day, I feel exhausted. I fall asleep on the couch every single evening because of the great amount of stress. I guess it will take time to get over it (if ever). I'm glad we're surrounded by friends who really care about us and keep calling and/or stopping by to check if we are ok. Of course we're not but feeling them close makes a big difference. 

Today I'm back to my workout routine. I'm trying to get myself together. It's not easy as living without a him (and, in general without a dog) was inconceivable until one week ago. We all miss him a lot and always will. 

Like every trauma, though, I am more aware now of my priorities. For instance, I've become to realize that a dog is more important than having a child to me. I can live without a kid but I can't live without animals. It's quite a radical thought but this is me (and my mum is exactly like me). So, if I get pregnant it's ok if I don't it's ok. However, I don't think I can live without a dog for the rest of my life. I'll give a serious thought in the near future, perhaps after the summer. A dog will come "to us", like Duick. We didn't buy him, someone couldn't take care of him anymore. 

Today we're going to visit M, the vet. He LOVED big boy and did everything he could. It's because of him that we adopted Duick. It'll be hard to see M. but we have to. 

No words

I don't know if I can put my pain into words. I am/we are devastated by the sudden death of my big boy. I don't know how to deal with it. He died in a few days because of a bronchopneumonia. 

The house is empty.

I hate this silence.

I didn't sleep for 3 days in a row. I'm taking an anxiolytic but the calming effect is yet to be seen. I feel as my vital energy has drained out of me. I am not strong anymore. I am not happy, just not the usual me as my love is not with us anymore.

My mum, who is helping us a lot, suggested me to write a book or a short story about my relationship with Duick. It helps, she says. I agree. I'll write it and perhaps I'll publish some excerpts here but I'm afraid it will be in Italian.

I miss him so much.

Il mio amore.

How the decision was taken

I tried the so-called death meditation

The Death Meditation is an intense process in which I guide people through their last day on earth, counting down the hours, the minutes. Far beyond some morbid exercise, this is a very keen blade that cuts through the mental chatter and detritus that fill yo our heads - I can't reach for what I want because of this, or that, or whatever. It's hard to discover what you really want if you're full of all this useless poison and these self-mutilating thoughts. The Death Meditation gets you focusing with diamond-sharp clarity on what matters. Because all facades, delusions, rackets, and life-sucking trivia pale when you face your impending death. the Buddha said "If you want to know what your future will be like, then look at your life now".

Ana Forrest, Fierce Medicine.

The author "guided" me (well, I followed the description of the process written in the book) through the above mentioned book and it was an interesting inner journey. I don't know if I did the whole process in the right way. I skipped some steps because I didn't have time to do it properly. Or perhaps I didn't want to do it properly. It's a long process and one needs to be completely attuned to whatever arises so if you're tired, stressed out or even angry at someone it's better not to do it. 

However, going "there", experiencing your last day on earth is worth it as it's an opportunity to  check out with  "what you really need to let go and how you need to move ahead". It also helps to bring clarity to life's priorities and to what really matters.

I won't share my death meditation notes here but I think that the core of it is here.

Some people live without checking life priorities for several reasons. I don't blame them, looking at one's life it's harder than just living without inquiring so much. However, if you are willing to learn more about the death meditation I'd recommend Ana Forrest's book. Moreover, if yoga is of interest to you... just read it and let me your thoughts on that.