Luckily, I've been very busy in the last three days so I haven't put much thought into it. I have to decide, though. I have to, sooner or later. It's NOT easy. I want to go but I don't want to go. I'm excited and scared at the same time: it's a f*** tough decision. G. doesn't want to move for many reasons. I do understand him BUT there are OTHER positive aspects he doesn't even take into account. As far as my career is concerned, I don't have any doubts. I should fly right away and stay there for the rest of my life. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Of course my job is very important but what about my family? If I get the job, G. will come with me even he is not eager to move. I'm not concerned for my dad as he's just remarried and can rely on a woman who is 10 years younger than him. He is healthy and strong. My mum is not that healthy and she cannot rely on my uncle who will turn 70 in a few months. Despite she keeps telling me that I should go, I know that this will affect her deeply. Because of her disease she can't stay on a plane for 24h and this means we're going to see each other once a year which is just unthinkable both for me and for her.
I grew up with my mum since I was 12, when my parents divorced. We lived together for a long time and now she lives literally 2 minutes away from our house. I see her every single day and she is the most important person in my life. I can't forget what she did for me, I simply can't. It would be too long (and too personal) to get into details here but, believe me, my mum devoted her life to me. And now that she's sick and she's getting old I go far away. This makes me feel like shit, to be honest.
I don't think it's fair.
The more I think about the more I think that:
1. it's not fair. Now time has come for her to rely on me. I want to be around for her when life gets difficult.
2. Am I able to stay away from her?
I'm not going to share these thoughts with her because, as I mentioned, she keeps telling me (on a daily basis) that I shouldn't miss this opportunity AND, above all, that I shouldn't think about her because "she is strong", which is true. She is one of the strongest women I've ever known, however, I'm also aware of the fact that if I go away her life will change a lot and not for the better.
It doesn't matter what she tells me, I know she needs me exactly the way I need her. I don't care if it's not "healthy": I'm listening to my heart at the moment. My brain says YES and my heart says NO. Who's right? I don't have the right answer, no one has.
G. is able to overcome all his fears and obstacles. I'm sure about it. So the problem is not G. Now that I see things more clearly, my concern is my mum. At least now I know what prevents me to apply. I didn't know it yesterday. I'm procrastinating because of the most important person in my life. Well, it's a good reason, isn't it?
I also have to admit that I don't think it's fair to adopt a dog that I love and then move to another place without him. He will live with my mum and will be absolutely fine but we will miss him to death and probably will feel guilty. It may sound ridiculous and maybe it is, indeed, a ridiculous thought but again, my heart is wide open and I'm speaking through it (brain switched off. One doesn't have to be rational all the time).
mumble mumble....
HI LOLA, change is NEVER easy even when it is a change we choose. And remember, the moment of absolute certainty never arrives. I feel your dilemma deeply. I will pray for your resolve and peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteLove Gail
peace.....
I know exactly how you feel. My mum is in Italy alone (well, I wish she were alone, she's actually taking care of her two old and sick brothers), and I moved here. But I didn't have much of a choice in terms of work (meaning, I would starve if I were to live in Italy), and for now I can go back to Italy twice a year and stay there for quite a long time. If I had to stay away from my mum for the whole time, I don't know what I would do. It's easy to say "think about your career", which is what I rationally think, but I know that there are less than rational things that make us human, and those have to be taken into account as well.
ReplyDelete@ Gail: thank you for your words and prayers. You're right: the moment of absolute certainty never arrives.
ReplyDelete@Silvia: given your situation, I know you understand me. The fact that you can go back to Italy and stay for a while makes the difference and I'm glad you have this opportunity. In my case, I could go back maybe once a year for 2-3 weeks which is not ideal. And yes, less rational aspects are important too.
Thanks for your support!
OK well this is a new twist on our conversation!
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are always ways round it. There are other ways to get from one country to another than just flying, you know? Even Big Boy could go along, I think?
And, maybe your Mum and Big Boy could go to visit you just the once ........... and then just stay????
I mean, it's a thought, isn't it?
The weather will be better; there is a freedom that even the UK doesn't have, let alone Italy, etc., etc.
Anyway, I don't think the decision should be made until you actually HAVE the job, as you know.
I vote for apply first and then see what happnes. In my life things tend to work themselves out with little intervention from me!
Anyway, I'm thinking of you and I do get the problem.
Yes, it's a new twist. I had enough time to think yesterday ;) (which, as you can see, is not necessarily good).
ReplyDeleteWell, from here to Australia I think that flying is the only way! Unless one wants to travel for 6 months.
Thank you, Andy. I know you're thinking of me and your suggestions are much appreciated. I value what you think.
I have a kind of "personal deadline": Monday. The decision will be taken over the weekend. I will keep you posted on that.
Surely, it's less than 6 months?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it'd be like a kind of cruise ;-P
OK. Well try to have a good weekend anyway.
Thanks Andy.
ReplyDeleteI feel sooo tired!
We wait ....... anxiously ........
ReplyDeleteI won't apply.
ReplyDeleteI've given this serious thought but it's definitely too far.
ps. I'll write more in the coming days.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that, Lola. I know it's been a very difficult decision.
Deleteyes, indeed.
ReplyDeletevery difficult but I don't have regrets.
Once again, THANK YOU.